@DanKCharnley: He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
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@BitchyJasmine: I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing he'll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
@TitansHomer: Operator: 911 Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do? O: Relax sir, is this her first born? Me: No, this is her husband.
@AndrewNadeau0: My dancing style could best be described as "Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see."