He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
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When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
it must be school picture day
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.