Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
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Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Wait a minute…
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.