Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
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My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it