@chapel3929: He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school. 4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest? My wife: He cried the most.
@StellaRtwot: *phone rings Me: Hello? Telemarketer: Hello how are you today? Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
@Your_Boy_Dylan: How did girls text before emojis? Hey I can't wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP