He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
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I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
And that about sums it up.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
The Backseat Boys
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No