He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
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I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌