He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
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It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
We like the way Dwight thinks
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.