He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
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NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
he looks great for his age
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂