He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
You Might Also Like
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
new wife guy just dropped
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg