He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
You Might Also Like
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.