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@bingowings14: He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
@tnylgn: I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid my friends will give me the funeral I told them I wanted when I was drunk.
@HomeProbably: GF: "Can I be frank?"
Me: "Sure, but I'd be more comfortable if you were a woman."
@WhiskeyandMeds: It's all fun and games until HR sends an email with "Your Twitter Account" in the subject line.
@HappyHijabbi: Just got added to a list called "people." Glad I made that cut.
@Home_Halfway: I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise