He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
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REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
#ParentingFacts
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.