he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
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The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I unironically love this joke.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”