he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
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Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
giddy up Office Depot
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of