he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
You Might Also Like
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”