He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
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My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
As the Lord intended
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.