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@CornOnTheGoblin: He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
@SCbchbum: How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
@XplodingUnicorn: I can fake my way through most conversations with my kids if I just look up from my phone every time they stop talking and say "no."
@Book_Krazy: Me: What's with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I'm gone?
@Ameiam: People are always like "you're so crazy" and I'm all like "please take off the restraints, I promise I won't do it again".
@ericspeaksout: Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.