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@CornOnTheGoblin: He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
@QwertyJones3: Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don't think that's a...
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
@SaraMansford: 911: What's your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must've been something I said.
@ThingsJackDigs: Barista: got a latte for “Batman”! Is there a “Batman” here?
*everyone looks at me*
Me [dressed as Batman]: that's not me, my name is Jack
@abhorrent_wife: This could be us but you eatin'
@Ivsy01: Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don't know.