He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
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My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.