He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
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Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.