He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
You Might Also Like
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
This came to me in a dream.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.