[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
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I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.