He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
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US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!