He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
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[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
#catsoftwitter
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Home #decor warning.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats