He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
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4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
i want the dreams to chase me for once
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii