guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES