He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
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I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess