@lafpgh: He insulted my sister, and I let it slide. He insulted my mother, and I let it slide. Then...he insulted my tweets.
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@ohen39: [having girl over] me: I work from home her: I thought u were a wildlife photographer *loud lion noises from bedroom* me: ignore that
@Mr_Kapowski: Lawyer: Zack’s will has allocated money for two headstones *my wife dabs the corners of her eyes with a tissue* Lawyer: The first one shall just read HEADSTONE. The second will be placed 6 feet away and read FEETSTONE
@WheelTod: People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.