@lafpgh: He insulted my sister, and I let it slide. He insulted my mother, and I let it slide. Then...he insulted my tweets.
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@onion_an: Son: Dad can sand melt? Me putting down my glass: Don't be ridiculous of course it can't
@WilliamRodgers: Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don't have Cancer! Me: So it's working...
@LittleMissZesty: I've just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I'm on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
@TheRolo: *Rides unicorn to work* *Gives Bigfoot hi-five* *Chats with mermaids* *Argues with Medusa* *Gets called in to HR* *Fails drug test*