Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
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Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.