All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
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Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
emergency phone
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.