@DailyVelli: He: is this love or what? She: What.
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@dreamthievin: A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
@withanewname: Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop* Mgr: What'd she want? Me: nothing. Mgr: Where're all the donuts?
@astutenewf: My moral compass must run on solar power because it definitely goes to sleep after dark.
@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash? Me: 6: Me: It was too good. I didn't want to make your sisters jealous.