“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
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Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
did it work
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
How to wake up a Beagle
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Storm Tropical Storm
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.