#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
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Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
beware of dog
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?