“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
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Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
how high up are we talkin’?
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.