@causticbob: "He looks just like his grandfather" is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it's more of an accusation
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@radtoria: "Penguins mate for life. Isn't that romantic?" You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it. "You're my penguin."
@Chumpstring: COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor's house ME: that's awful COP: he has video of the culprit ME: that's even worse isn't it
@CatherineLMK: I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
@ThatsSarcasm: *Picking up my kid from school in 20 years* Me: Yo shawty leggo. Kid: Please no. Me: Stop hating YOLO. Kid: You're embarrassing. Me: Swag.