“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
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Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
There’s no “us” in nachos.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place