@dshack8: 'He looks just like you' is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
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@Cheeseboy22: I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he's crying in the corner.
@craiguito: If your partner says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new," "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in a traffic jam
@tackie_jackie: Just gave my husband a 3 dozen box of condoms. He laughed and called it a life time supply. I laughed and called him optimistic.
@AndyAsAdjective: Respond to every "How was your weekend?" today by staring off into the distance & whispering "So much blood..."