‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
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Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Just a friendly reminder!
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay