@dshack8: 'He looks just like you' is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
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@trevso_electric: I don't have ADD. It's just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
@AsYouNotWish: Wife: How many women have u slept with? Husband: Only you, Honey. With everyone else, I was awake.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: My Roomba sucked up some cocaine & cleaned the entire house in 5 mins. Now my jewelry's missing & the Roomba's trying to bang the blender.