‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
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I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
This is why I hate group projects
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
so this horse walks into a bar
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face