Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
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drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.