How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
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Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.