My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
You Might Also Like
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.