He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
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PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
yea so i messed up lol
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain