He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
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Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.