He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
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Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.