he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
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Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN