Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
You Might Also Like
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??