He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
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I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now