He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
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My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious