He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
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Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology