As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
You Might Also Like
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
The only equipped I am is ill.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Can’t stop laughing
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.