we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
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“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I love snow
– People who never shovel
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
#ParentingFacts
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Sheep