He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
You Might Also Like
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.